Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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