I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
I'm sorry that you just had your first misguided homo experience
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
