Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Randomize
