theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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