I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
