Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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