Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
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