none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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