so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
