booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
Randomize
