ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
