so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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