We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
I need to find parents that want to take care of a grown adult. I'm sure there's a website out there for that. Like a sugar daddy but sugar parents.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
