bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
