I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
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