You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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