How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
He dated a girl who could do the damn splits on his dick like how do you compete with that
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