so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize
