Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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