New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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