Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Randomize
