It's Friday. Sex?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
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