You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Randomize
