guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Randomize
