david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
