did you get engaged???
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
