I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
