but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
