my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
