I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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