I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Randomize
