I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
Randomize
