Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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