Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
