I should have been more specific when I asked for 8 inches.
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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