..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize
