i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
