I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
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