Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
must go to store soon wiping with panty liner ugh
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
