Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
