im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Spent 20mins wondering why my roommate wouldn't answer after we were pounding on the door.....Def went to the wrong building.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
