I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Randomize
