Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
