apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
She looked like Sean Connery with cleft lip. So to answer your question, yes I put it in her butt.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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