he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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