K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
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