I cannot find my penis.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
That was an excessively violent trivia night
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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