does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
She bit a glass in half.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
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