Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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