He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
