AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
