I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
