update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
