he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
